The New Orleans Saints are right now the worst team in the NFL. This is not opinion, or conjecture. It is fact. The question is, “How do we as Saints fans deal with 14 more weeks of this?”
Before I tell you what you should do, I’m going to tell you what I’m going to do until January; Laugh, drink, and care about the Saints 50 percent less than I have since 2006. I said in my Thursday preview the Saints-Bucs game would be a pillow fight between two bad teams; I should never have insulted pillow fights like that.
I’ve paid better money at comedy shows and not laughed so hard as I did during this Saints game. The Saints deserved to lose by 50 with how awful they looked and even a semi-competent professional football team, when Tampa asked, “We want to give this game away, would you like it?” would have answered, “Yes!” Unfortunately, the 2015 Saints are as good at winning games as gasoline is at putting out a fire.
Whatever way you choose to honor the dead, it’s time to lift a glass, pour one out, or light a candle for the 2006-2015 Saints. Our journey with them is now complete. It was a hell of a ride. We laughed, we cried, we watched the Saints win 6 playoff games, 3 division titles, and a Super Bowl. We call Tracy Porter and Steve Gleason legends and Roger Goodell the Devil. I hope you enjoyed the trip as much as I did. The 2010 regular season and 2013 road playoff win in Philadelphia were especially sweet.
The Saints future is uncertain; It is dark, and it is even scarier than the present. The present is of course terrible, but terrible can be interesting and funny if you will let yourself be entertained by incompetence. I suggest you do because the alternative is punching holes in walls until January if you take Saints football too seriously.
The Saints traded away their all-pro tight end to help fix their offensive line, yet Drew Brees’ good health barely lasted longer than 1 game, because the line is somehow worse than 2014.
Zach Strief looked like Charles Brown on Sunday. Having a folding chair at right tackle would not have been much worse. Tim Lelito got eaten alive so graphically by Gerald McCoy, I was waiting for McCoy to put on a bib and use Lelito’s bones to pick his teeth. The addition of Max Unger to this offensive line was like putting an expensive air freshener next to a garbage dump and expecting it to smell like roses.
The receivers are pretty pretty much a problem, and even when they got open, Brees’ hurt right arm couldn’t get them the ball. Brees is 36, been injured two straight years, and probably isn’t surviving 2015 in one piece behind that offensive line. I have a sinking feeling we’ll be seeing Luke McCown more than just in those Verizon commercials. The thought probably frightens most of you, but look at the bright side, think of all the defensive coordinator jobs the Saints offense could save this season? Why it could be a dozen.
Truthfully, discussing the Saints on-field problems right now is like trying to describe your day AFTER the 18-Wheeler ran you over, it’s kind of pointless and depressing.
So how do we survive this football disaster that has arrived?
Step 1: Focus on the party. Better food and drink improves anything. Just because the Saints are terrible doesn’t mean your football party or tail gate can’t be world class. We are New Orleans, NOTHING ruins our party. We are party professionals and is some really horrendous professional football going to ruin Fall Sundays? Not a chance. Go ahead and buy that smoker you’ve been eyeing or install that full bar in the garage. Go crazy and do both. Desperate times call for BOLD SOLUTIONS!
Step 2: Make all Saints post game press conferences appointment viewing. You think Sean Payton getting salty with the media was fun during good times? Seeing Sean Payton fight with the media after blowout losses is going to be great. I have week five as the moment where Payton gives some poor media member the death stare and walks out after 45 seconds. Get your popcorn ready.
Step 3: Embrace the terrible. Anybody can enjoy winning but it takes true courage to watch a 2 win football team throw up all over itself like a new born baby for 3 hours. Bless the Saints heart, because they just let Andrew Luck throw 9 touchdowns. While you watched the Saints give up 9 scores & Sean Payton’s head explode, you also followed step 1 in my plan, so even though the Saints are down 63-5, you are enjoying a smoked turkey po-boy Anthony Bourdain would be jealous of.
The Saints aren’t winning but guess who is? You are.
2015 Saints football doesn’t have to boring or miserable, but for the first time in about 15 years, we the fans are responsible for making it fun all on our own.
2015 Saints football: Either get busy laughing or get busy crying.
Ralph Malbrough is a Saints fan living in Houston. Email him at firstname.lastname@example.org